"With a Conscience" - "Fall Awakenings"

    I have been debating for weeks now, as to whether or not I should write this column.  But...I am overwhelmed with a number of challenges these days. The most recent one being a cancer diagnosis.  Yes, there, I said it, a cancer diagnosis.  There were no signs.  There were no indications until one fateful afternoon after my walk.  The body told me.  The body knows. "Mrs. King," the doctor told me, "You have a tumor on your bladder. It has to come out." "DUH!"

    I have been fortunate and yes lucky, to have a husband who did not waste any time and arranged the appointment at Memorial Sloan Kettering and literally a week after the consultation, I was having a same day surgery to remove a one inch mass from my bladder. You do not wait. You do not contemplate,  Just like that...It was removed with no indication that it had spread to any where else.  Now, what you are not prepared for is the emotionally crippling fear.  You are not prepared for what will now be what seems like endless appointments, immunotherapy treatments (I am at this juncture fortunate NOT to need chemo or radiation.) that are invasive and well embarrassing. You get to know the staff pretty darn well and I will leave it there.

    There are many who would prefer to keep their diagnosis to themselves and I understand how that choice is made.  On the other hand, there is a profound, if not strong message that develops and it needs to be said.  Here it is:  " Let the pain surface and have no regrets about those unbelievably sad moments that come out of no where. Maybe that sadness needed to be exposed instead of hidden...Do not waste a second measuring yourself to anyone else. Do not let anyone determine your worth and those people who remain in your life are the ones you know will love you unconditionally."  I have those people in my life and this column is also for them.  See, you find out fairly quickly who cares and who does not.  If someone says to you, "You got this." or "You're strong. You can handle this," believe them; even though at times that is the last thing you can accept.  

    Experiencing modern medicine is a completely mind-blowing endeavor.  What doctors are capable of doing today is nothing short of a miracle.  As my husband drove me home after surgery, the weather was crisp and the leaves were vibrant with their fall splendor.  I could not believe I was going home the same day of my surgery.  I clung to the gratitude and relief that I felt.   Seasons change and so do we.  If we are lucky enough to experience the "wake-up calls" then the least we can do is listen.  I have "pushed the reset button" yet again.

     I have made a promise to myself to have a different perspective about what really matters.  It is not about a clean house. It is not about career.  It is not about money. (Buy the shoes or better yet, donate a pair.) What matters is the peace we find within ourselves. What matters is the kindness and the compassion we give to those we love. My energies have been misplaced for decades. I no longer care about my past but rather that I am alive one more day to make a difference. It is easy to lose your sense of humor with a cancer diagnosis but the fact is you must find a way to get your laughter back.  Forget about being perfect. Perfection is over-rated.  None of us can measure up to a sunrise or a sunset.  It really is that simple.  If you find yourself angry or frustrated count backwards from the number 200. It works.  If you find yourself disappointed with someone's behavior, remember...It's their behavior, not yours.

     Some may believe this column was a bad idea but in my view, there is always more to learn and I have learned it...the hard way.  Life is hard.  Even when we are  cruising at the speed of sound and everything is perfect, there is an incongruency always looming ready to teach us a valuable lesson.  Learn the lessons and look forward to another day.  I am.

    

"With a Conscience" - "Do I have any more words??"

 

            I have a confession to make...I am one lazy, LAZY human being and...I love it.  My apologies ahead of time but the art of "doing absolutely nothing" has taken me decades to learn.  We have tricked ourselves into believing that we always have to be busy doing "something" otherwise we are useless.  "Horse hockey."

            Truthfully, I have never enjoyed doing "nothing" more than I am right now.  Maybe that is because, I have been doing more than everything for a very, very long time.  It's no one's fault.  It is a habit we get into when we are taking care of everyone else other than oneself. Soooooo I started this summer to take care of myself...So be it.  When you are fortunate enough to live past 60, you can say these things and do these things.

          This summer has been a summer where the focus has been on my physical health.  My emotional health needed a three to four mile walk each and every day since the end of June.  The kitties would walk on my head at 5:30 and there the day began.  Two cups of coffee, breakfast and after reading my daily horoscopes, I was off to walk.  During this mindset, I could not bring myself to write because all I could do is force myself to be physically active. My brain and my body needed the exercise and I am grateful I came to that conclusion.

        To become more physcially active, actually forces one to slow down and remain in the present tense.  And...truthfully, it keeps your weight and your sugar levels down. This is another reason for not writing.  I was focused on the physical and the mental freedom that exercise gives you when you know you are in need to change.  The "change" has been evolving for roughly six years.  Evolution requires patience and diligence.  Nothing more.

        I have watched every sun rise and faithfully put on my sneakers all summer long and I know for a fact, that I am calmer and more at peace.  I have been able to write again, to share again and my hope is that those reading these blogs will stop, breathe and move.  Movement is everything.  It is NOT selfish nor inappropriate.  It matters.  It is a wellness practice.  I only hope that as long as  I can walk, that I am grateful and make it to Paris.  

"With a Conscience" - "Anger like you have never seen..."

 

     I am terrified.  Completely and totally terrified.  I was born in 1961.  Even then, as I was raised by my parents, in a conservative household by the way...My mother understood the importance of the rights of women.  Granted, she was the epitome of "June Cleaver" of "Leave it to Beaver," but she was determined to get her daughters through high school, college and beyond.  She wanted us to stand on our own two feet and support ourselves with or without a man in our lives. All of that happened much to her pride. She completely understood the position that women had been in prior to the mid-60's.  But here's the rub...

     Now, NOW, all of that influence has gone down the sewer.  With the latest Supreme Court decision on abortion, every woman in this country has been marginalized...Young, old, middle-aged...We have been reduced to nothing more than marginalized voters.  The Supreme Court made us second class, cliche as that sounds.  Women in this country, regardless of their political beliefs, are being reduced to nothing more than whispers of the voices they had 50 years ago.  This is no time to whisper, regardless of your beliefs.

     What is most important here, are the fundamental freedoms we had in this country for decades.  We have been supportive of our troops overseas, supportive of our national tragedies and last week was a complete slap in the face to our history.  We have to remember on important thing..."Our society does NOT flourish without a woman's influence in the home."  Women bare all of the angst and pain of pregnancy to birth.  Sorry men, but that is the truth whether you accept it or not. To negate our rights and to infringe on our privacy is an abomination of our society.  

     I know only too well the importance of childbirth.  I was not able to have that ability.  I found out when at the age of sixteen that it would not be possible.  I understood then, as I understand now, that child-bearing is a "gift."  Undertanding that at such a young age, I would never, EVER, turn my back on those who bring our children in to this world.  However, it is a matter of choice.  My body, my rules, my right to embrace the freedom of choice, even though that choice was not to be for me.  We are nothing without the women in our lives.  Remember that too because, elections are just around the corner.

With a Conscience - "School Haze"

 

     I am tired.  Not just a little tired, but a tired that is indescribable to anyone who has not taught in the classroom over the past three years.  To some, this may seem like whining, but frankly, I do not care.  Many articles have been written about the overwhelming difficulties or hurdles for teachers these past couple of years but one thing remains true...We need to heal.

     We need to heal from the increasing number of students who need more help than we can provide to them. Especially when class sizes can be in excess of 30 students.  Many students who came back to school this year were so emotionally scarred.  They could not handle being back in the crowds, on the buses, in the halls,  cell phones everywhere (even when it clearly states that cell phones are not allowed.)  Trust me, when you hear a student scream out in pain, "I want Ms. King!!!!" You see their pain, their angst and their tears.  This is not the teaching I envisioned when I started my career.  This is not the profession I dreamed of or witnessed as a student back in the 70's.  See, back in the 70's, we listened.  We did our classwork and our homework and there no excuses to be made.  I wonder had we not taken that "No nonsense" approach during the pandemic, if our students would have learned more and done more.  This is not to say that students tried this year, many did.  But I fear for those who did not, particularly those who could have succeeded and chose not to because, they used the excuse of "Whatever."

     Teachers need to heal from endless hours spent covering extra classes, having their prep times taken away due to substitute shortages and the anxiety of not having enough time to do what they needed unless they stayed after hours, which given the "active shooting" scenarios probably was not such a good idea.  You went home.   You had to go home.  You needed to go home.  Home, now more than ever, meant safety.  The endless safety drills do not mean a thing when there is an acutality.  We all know that.  Uvalde, Texas  proved that to all of us.  Teaching has become a dangerous profession.  Who planned on that??  Now before anyone says, "So leave then..." know that there is a teacher shortage.  People do NOT want to teach.  They will choose another profession unlike myself, who chose teaching because I love kids. I genuinely love kids and wanted to show them that the world, although difficult and challenging can be theirs.  Teachers new to the profession are going to face a lot of disrespect, apathy and yes...potential danger.  "Are you prepared to die?"  I would like to see a professor at a teacher's college ask that question during a "methods course" and see what kind of reaction they get.  Or better yet, how about a curriculum meeting?  Are you prepared for your students to turn their backs in the classroom for the sake of "YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter?"

     I went into teaching for no other reason than love.  I had so many teachers in my high school years show me nothing more than love and I learned from them that love means more than any homework assignment.  I am who I am today because I was loved.  We need to love more and judge less and then...THEN perhaps we can get back to the love of teaching,  As of today, I fear that will not happen unless we lick our wounds and put the emphasis back on parenting and the structure of the family.  Nothing matters more than our kids.  Nothing.  My mother taught me that.  My father taught me that.  My father was not a quitter and neither am I.  Having said that, I have worked for the hundreds of kids who walked out of 8th grade into the abyss.  

     If public schools are to do their job, then we need to leave politics out of the equation, and let teachers heal.  We need to let them do their jobs and let them show their students that they can indeed learn if they choose to learn. If they are encouraged to learn.  It's all about choice.  I chose teaching.  My colleagues chose teaching and now that we are in our summer solstice, I can only hope that we all heal and find out joy once again.  Our kids need to find their joy again.

     I will heal. My colleagues will heal, if we are allowed to do what we know is best.   Kids need to understand that the world does not revolve around them.  The world evolves because we a part of the greater good.  We are part of the greater good. Summer is here.  I'm embracing it, no matter what happens in the fall. I need to rest.