It was nirvana today. The temperature was 60 degrees...almost. The air was crisp. This may just be the first day I have felt normal in over an entire year. I have done exactly what was asked of me this past year. I have stayed sequestered. I have social distanced. I have worn my mask. I have in short taken the pandemic seriously. There were no free rides. I played by the rules because I did not waiver nor did I make excuses. John and I did not venture out to restaurants, or go out and party with friends. It has been a year of playing by rules none of us were prepared to follow, let alone write.
I wake up at 5:30 in the morning, and boot my computer up, prepare my school agenda and get ready to meet the screen of "alphabet city" kids who absolutely refuse to be seen. I worry. Some of my kids are literally disappearing before my eyes and no amount of phone calls or emails seems to improve the emptiness they are feeling. The emptiness I feel, wondering if I am doing enough to give them what they deserve...an education. I wonder about their families. I wonder about their parents. I know that some are struggling and some, not all, but some, have disappeared like their children have. But the most important thing I have realized this spring is...I do NOT want to disappear. I refuse to disappear. My students have come too far for me to hide. How I wish they would understand that you can not hide and succeed.
Because I teach remotely, this makes me vulnerable and it makes me an "outlander." But, I am forcing that issue. I am not an "outlander." I watch, listen and act accordingly, just as I always have. I do as I have been instructed to do. I reach out to parents. I reach out to my kids. I have to agree that sometimes, my lessons are not a Broadway song and dance but sometimes, sometimes, kids need to learn the basics because they are not paying attention to the basics. They are ignoring them. "Rest assured kids, that I am indeed present and will not give up on teaching you." I just wish you would stop hiding. I wish you would embrace the world regardless of the circumstances.
Since 2007, my heart has been in the right place as a teacher. I have never felt as though I was an expert though. I will never be an expert. There is no plan book detailed enough to prepare anyone for what has been witnessed these last two years. Spring has arrived however, and everyone, EVERYONE needs to take a break. We need to find our kindness and our understanding. We need to find our patience and our strength. We need to remember to walk awhile in someone else's shoes before we can judge. Or...should we judge at all?
I can not wait to stop wearing a mask. I can not wait to see a Broadway show and shop at Macy's and go to their shoe department. I want to have a luxurious dinner with all of my closest and dearest. I can not wait to begin a new adventure. With spring, comes change and I see that change is just around the corner. We are getting closer and closer to healing the wounds as long as we are courageous enough to understand that we all have a part to play in this history. History defines how we walk to the future. Our education, our ability to learn, will set the course for the kind of world we want to see. With a break in mind, I hope we all have the opportunity to breathe and embrace. It all goes by too quickly. Find your spring and feel the need to love.
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