"The Perfect Imperfection"

 "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Most of us know the very first time that we met someone and fell in love.  It was an instant, undeniably, powerful experience.  The moment when we met our future and knew that there was absolutely nothing we could do except follow our intuition and know to trust that intuition.  You can not ignore those moments of clarity.  The clarity disappears with wedding vows and sheer terror sets in until the rings are placed on our fingers.  Amazingly, the fear disappears and we suddenly know that love makes us brave.

Before 2003, I had my life pretty much figured out and was complacent.  There was my family, my friends, the gym, work and community theater.  I had things pretty much figured out and was content.  Life was intentionally quiet.  I ate what I wanted to eat.  I did whatever I felt like doing and the only one I had to think about was myself.  I was passive.  I let the world drift by and accepted that whatever anyone wanted to say or do was fine.  I was non-confrontational.  I avoided all confrontation.  I found out that when you get married, confrontation can not be avoided and you can not turn your back on it.  You have to look at it, face to face, and let the tension play itself out until a resolution or peace is found.  Marriage changed all of that.

The first thing I learned those first years of marriage is that it will not be perfect.  Never, ever, ever be perfect.  It will be peaceful and loving and cooperative and then you wake up one morning and the challenges start.  They begin and they manifest and grow.  The only thing you can do is accept the idea that nothing lasts forever.  Nothing is promised but love, love is the one variable that keeps us looking at the present...and the future.  The past, well, it defines our future behavior but it doesn't take away our resolve.  At least it shouldn't.

I have watched so many couples survive and thrive in my 59 years. I've watched couples break apart and say their goodbyes.  It all boils down to choice and frankly, whatever choice is made, cannot be wrong.  It can not be wrong because the need for partnership is just as important as independence and the freedom to pursue our dreams.  The courage to commit is equally as courageous as it is to leave.  The courage to be oneself in a relationship is equally as courageous and the occasional white lie often crops up to prevent us from hurting our partner.  Eventually though, trust becomes the deal breaker or the savior.  We do not always have to be honest but we do have to behave with an honest heart. 

My sis told me when I got married that a marriage does not have to be perfect.  It just has to work.  There are stretches where it is imperfect and the true test of whether the relationship will last.  When we give up, we give up the relationship.  When one stops trying, there is no rebound.  So then, why try?  

We try because if we do not, we have lied to ourselves.  We drank the "Kool-Aid" and clearly, we did not want to see the ramifications.  In most relationships, there is a sense of clear that occurs and both parties realize how much, or how little each means to the other.  Marriage is not for the lazy or the weak.  It is for those who believe that love is the only sustainable virtue.  It is not about money, or whether your husband picks up his dirty socks off of the bathroom floor.  Love means, staying by each other's side during the many pandemics that surface along the way.   In any relationship, becoming one's own advocate is the singularly most important thing that transpires between two people.  Even more importantly, we need to be advocates for our partners too.  

When we recognize the stupidity in arguing about inconsequential things, when we realize the that the most important thing we have is each other.  If that is not possible, then there is the alternative, painful as it can be.   There is a deep rooted love that I share with my husband.  I will never have that attachment with anyone else.  Having said that,  strength comes from not taking every single thing personally.  The trick is to always, ALWAYS, be personal.  The pandemic will end.  Love endures.  All of us should look forward to moving forward to another day.