"2020 Vision"

"Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man."  -Benjamin Franklin

I woke up this morning with the purring of my "feline domesticus" rubbing my face with her paw.  As I opened one eye at time, it became clear that with one day left of 2019, I am never sorry to see a year pass. I am now, more grateful for the present tense of life, such as it is. The road to 2020 vision has been a painful one and I am grateful.

When a year passes, we get the opportunity to put all of our transgressions, arguments, and frustrations behind us.  We survived them.  We conquered and battled the issues of the day...from impeachment, to the democratic beauty contest still under way to the confrontation of our own personal challenges.  I used to believe, foolishly, that if things didn't work out my way, then not only was I a failure, but others were indeed wrong because my way was the right way.  I was offended easily and discouraged easily. I had very little patience for other people's time tables.  I very rarely walked in someone else's shoes.  Over the past decade or more, all of that has gradually gone by the wayside because I realized that none of that behavior was working for me or my happiness.  I didn't have 2020 vision, I had tunnel vision.  Marriage and teaching changed all of that...in multiple and yes, exhausting ways.  Change is painful.  Change makes us wise.

The end of 2019 has been startling with many people from my past returning with a wonderful, and emotional welcome and quite by chance.  I am now reminded that those wonderful memories of the past, created the part of me that loves unconditionally. I am again reminded of how important adventures are. Hindsight gives us 2020 vision too.

Resolutions be damned.  It's our vision, and our present day mindfulness that keeps us on a path to sanity.  I have realized that if I put on foot in front of the other, it is also my choice to walk or run.  Either way, it's my choice no one else's.  I am not going to look forward to a new year, I am going to live in the present one.  That takes hard work.  Worrying about anything ahead of "today" is exhausting and the more tired we get, the less we have to be grateful for in the here and now.  Trust me, I have known tired.  I think we all have known tired.

In a matter of hours, a new year, a new decade, will be here for all of us. The year of 2020.  I hope it brings all of us a clear sense of vision. I hope our priorities include those who are in need.  I hope 2020 puts us in the present tense, forgetting about the pains and the frustrations of the past.  May 2020 give us the strength to find new purpose and adventure, either physically or emotionally. May we make decisions with careful thought, not impulse...with careful thought, not in frustration.  2020, the year of perfect vision, for all of us.

"Travels with Mickey"

"The wiser mind mourns less for what age takes away than what it leaves behind."

  - William Wordsworth 

There is an old saying that goes "Wisdom is wasted on the aged." There is no better time than the holidays to reflect that that phrase is true.  Christmas day was everything it  should be for my family.  My sister made an incredible rib roast just like Mom would make year after year. My other sister made a phenomenal salmon.  And there was my mother...like many many Christmases before, sitting at the head of the table, now in a wheelchair but looking so satisfied, proud as everyone bantered back and forth, teasing each other and well, eating...There would be no sadness and anger with her situation today.  I will never forget our time in the car.

Mom resides at one of the best nursing homes in the area.  They take better care of her than any of us ever could.  For the holidays, we travel back and forth with Mom and her wheelchair.  Yesterday was my turn and I was a nervous wreck, hoping I could manage the transportation without incident.   When I showed up to pick her up, Mom was overjoyed. "I'm springing ya Ma.  Let's go!" I said. It turned out, we managed fine as the security guard helped me get the wheelchair into the back of the car.  What an angel.

Aging brings dementia, immobility, hearing loss and more wisdom than I thought was possible as Mom and I drove to sister's. "What a beautiful day it is today! No snow." Mom said.  "Where are we?"  All of sudden, I was transported to a similar conversation I had had with Mom when I was four.  "Where we going Ma? How much longer?"   It was daunting how the roles have changed over the past ten years.  I never felt ready.  Maybe no one really does.

Mom asked me about King.  "I miss my husband," she said looking out the car window. I never heard such words of love growing up. I was grateful  I started to think that at 94, maybe Pop was gingerly calling for her.  It was a gift to hear those words.  With age comes wisdom.  We always want what we no longer have.  In the case of Mom, there were regrets, thoughts of love and longing.  

"How is school?"  I didn't know how to answer this because lately, I have lost my timing, and my patience with my kids.  Winter break nearly "broke" everyone at school I feel.  "I wanted you all educated," Mom said.  "I should have finished college.  I insisted you all get degrees and careers.  I set a standard.  Kids need standards."  I didn't know what to say to that.  She was right but how do you do that with 126 kids? More than half of them go home to no structure.  No standards.  No boundaries.   "You're a good teacher Claude," she said. We got to my sister's and the joy began.

On the way home, Mom was so grateful for my driving her.  I rolled her to her area and found the nurse to let her know Mom was back.  Ma hugged me as hard as she was able. "I love you Claude."   "Oh Ma," I held back tears.  "I love you too. Merry Christmas." I hugged her again and left. Walking the long, long hallways, fighting back the tears.  Mom was safe, and happy and grateful.  As we age, I can only hope to feel that way when every other memory we have might be fading.  I want to remember the loving feelings. There may have been regrets on my mother's part but along with that came her generation's sense of duty and responsibility.  That was handed down to my  sisters and I.  As long as Mom realized that, which she did,  then hopefully, we are on our way to a peaceful aging process.

"It's a Christmas Miracle..."

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."  -  Carl Jung

I am a pretty introspective when forced to be so as Christmas approaches I began to think of all the miracles that have come my way within the past year.  So although I am terrible at making lists and well, checking them, here at least is a partial list of miracles...such as they are:

It's a Christmas miracle that...

• I have not been involved in a car accident considering that using blinkers seems to be a thing of the past.
• I have figured out how to effectively block my cell phone from the endless number of unwanted "robo-phone" calls.  
• I can stay up till nine p.m., most nights...even earlier!!
• I still feel empowered to put makeup on in the morning.  
• I haven't dragged a student by their ear lobe to the assistant principal the week before winter break.  That would be a no-no and I would be on the "naughty list" indefinitely.  Don't judge.
• I have each and every time, reached the box of chic pea pasta at Shop Rite which has notoriously been stacked on the absolute TOP shelf of the aisle.  Don't ask how but swatting it down with my purse has worked pretty effectively.  Don't try this in the milk aisle though...
• My two adorable kitties haven't fallen into the tub, trying to grab the bubbles and my feet, while I'm in it.  I'm never alone.  I am grateful.
• I have kept the 30 pounds I lost off!!! 
• I have after almost three years NOT smoked one cigarette!  Believe me, I have wanted to smoke on more than one occasion but the suffering and the trauma that goes along with quitting remains in the forefront of my mind and I don't.  I just don't go there.
• We are not in a civil war.  
• I have the friends I have, some for 30 plus years.  We don't get to see each other nearly as much as I would like but life takes over and you all need to know, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
• My family looks out for each other.  We have arisen.  We are who we are and there is acceptance.
• My husband and I kiss each other each and every morning before I leave for work and when I get home despite the fact that I pick up his boxers off the bathroom floor each and every day.   I love him.  Always will.  Love happens when you are not looking. Marriage with the right person is indeed a Christmas miracle, even through the hardest times.

So all, Christmas is right around the corner and in the midst of all the pressures and yes, ugliness of life, there are miracles.  We may have to look hard for them.  Some drop right in front of us and take us by surprise.  The surprises are the best right? I hope there are many in store for all of you.