" A New Kind of Gratitude"

 "Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."  - Melody Beattie

     A lot of my time on this planet has been spent wanting more.  It's true.  Nothing ever seemed as though it was enough.  The dissatisfaction I carried with me increased in weight each and every decade.  Let me say that this "ton of dissatisfaction" prevented me from finding joy, finding happiness, finding the grace that I so admired in so many of my family and friends.  It wasn't until I put my own health first that I realized a new kind of gratitude.  The gratitude of life. 

     There are many dark days.  Days where we are saddened.  We are saddened by loss, our failures, and the tragedies of those who are close to us.  The longer we live, the more we witness and sometimes what we see can nearly break us in two.  We are left with so many questions.  Miraculously, most of us work through it and build a life that we are grateful for regardless of the hurt. Others however, may not have that ability and it's up to us, to love those who can not love themselves.

  

   Teaching for 14 years has show me a different kind of gratitude. Watching my students enter the classroom each day, knowing full well that their world has turmoil and as they push each and every button of their teachers, I remember that I am grateful that I have not witnessed what they have witnessed.  I have not lived what they have lived.  "We don't have to be perfect," I tell myself.  "We just have to understand."  When anger becomes part of the reaction, I remember that when the anger surfaces, let it be natural.  Let it be honest and use it as a teachable moment.

     Gratitude has evolved in other ways recently. I am grateful for each and every meal King makes for dinner.  Coming home exhausted, knowing he has put some thought into our health and is cooking something fabulous, is an incredible act of love. I am grateful for that first day King and I met and he asked me if "Do you need rescuing." I guess I did and I wasn't even aware that was the case. 

    I am grateful for my mother, my sisters and their children who filled that parental need for me when I realized I would never have children of my own.  Although families will often have conflicts, your family knows you better than anyone ever will.  This also applies to the good friends who have stayed in my life for over thirty years.  You know who you are.

 Seriously...I am grateful for the clerk at Shop Rite who reached me a quart of milk.  I am grateful when my anxiety leaves me without having smoked a cigarette.  On that note I am grateful for my fears. My anxiety too.  For without those, I would never know the strength and the courage that comes from change.  We are given "choice."  That reality alone snaps me back to sanity.  

     Living breeds various intervals of uncertainty.  My 94 year-old mother would attest to that.  As I look out my bedroom window, I see the trees on our mountain starting change color.  The hues of orange and yellow are reminders that nothing stays the same.  Change is inevitable.  We can either choose to accept that or not. Acceptance is much less frustrating and brings much more peace.