“Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.” – Roy T. Bennet
The world works in mysterious ways. Here I am, a year and seven months free of nicotine. Free from the single most dangerous display of insecurity that man has created. Now it's time to reach out and reflect on what this means in the present tense. First and foremost, when you see an improvement in your health that is wholeheartedly the most important thing that keeps you on healthier path. Crazy as it sounds, I want to live longer, love longer, love harder and perhaps see the Eiffel Tower. I have stopped taking everything personally, best as I can. I let go of being perfect and trying to please each and every one. Hard.
A year and seven months ago, I was a different person. I suddenly developed wings. I knew my life had changed but I was not prepared for the impact of those changes. Let's just say that my world got a whole lot more honest. I had to verbalize, communicate in a completely different way. I had to stop hiding behind the smoke. Smoking is a very social activity. My friends who smoked were all of a sudden very conscious of where I had been and they were very delicate with me. Bless them. I was all right though. I was comfortable not smoking. I was comfortable with a changed me. I didn't know why then, but I do now. I had no choice. It had been too painful to quit. The pain was a very healthy deterrent.
I had to make decisions regarding my activities. I suddenly was forced to manage the level of stress I would feel in various situations. Now, remind you, I teach eighth graders. So the stress of each and every day was ongoing. Again, I did not go back to smoking because of the initial pain of quitting. Whenever my world appeared to be falling apart, I remembered the pain. I love the theater. I love acting. I had to curtail my projects so I could manage this enormous, physical and psychological change. I am sure I disappointed a great many people by these actions. The fact is, I discovered my strength and took a much needed break. I had to express my frustrations. I had to make my way with truthfully acknowledging when I was unhappy and I had to do it lovingly.
When we are forced to change and put ourselves, our bodies, first, those who stay by our side will stay by our side even when we are frustrated, angry, and ready to bite the head off a live chicken are more valued and love than you know!! Today, I am much more grateful than I have ever been. When life becomes too difficult or painful, I take out the garbage. I walk. I even cry. Tears can heal.
The relief I feel today is authentic. I stopped hiding. I stopped planning my life around the next cigarette. Now, the world revolves around my health, and not the cigarette. My happiness depends on happily waking up each day knowing I am not a smoker. I walk anywhere, climb stairs, chase after kids and don't get winded. I know who is on my side. I know who doesn't care one way of the other. My biggest fan is ME. We should all be our biggest fan when it comes to our health. My biggest fan is ME.
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