"The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

“Chance and chance alone has a message for us. Everything that occurs out of necessity, everything expected, repeated day in and day out, is mute. Only chance can speak to us.”― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

   

     Since as long as I can remember, I wanted to "be." At four, I wanted to be a ballerina. At six I wanted to be a writer. At nine I wanted to be an actor AND a ballerina AND a writer. Go figure. I am none of those. I take my walks. I listen to the birds and soak in the sun. I need the quiet and the solitude. Until these past of couple of years, I was never cognizant of how important that is and then I remember, "I am a teacher." But is this the last part of my journey? What have I "taught" myself?

     After walking three miles today, I realized that we all take many paths and as long as we have the passion for them, we need to take them ...We need to put one foot in front of the other and go. I wiped the sweat from my face and suddenly came to the conclusion that the one thing that motivates any of us is the prospect of change. Change invites fear, doubt and the courage to take a chance. Ho w do we do this? Well, I think we need to be forced into the change. None of us appreciates being forced into anything but typically when that happens, we act. We learn. We change. Those of us "in between" are frustrated and deeply unhappy either temporarily or permanently.

     Human nature dictates that those who do not follow the norm very often trail blaze. They challenge the norms of society and change it. For better or worse, history provides many examples of both. For most of us, we discover our personal passions in a much less turbulent way. The question is when do we become happy with what we have? When are we just happy "being?" Those who find "being" unbearable, are most likely facing their fears and in doing so, are afraid to follow their passions. We have all been there in one way or the other. Marriage, teaching and acting have taught me well on all of these counts. So then, why do we hesitate?

     I believe that these hesitations stem from a lack of patience. We think or we have been influenced to believe that we should have certain things by a certain time in our lives. We become "heavy." We become weighted down with negativity. We become stuck. In those moments, hours, days, weeks, years, we forget to lighten up. We need to free ourselves from the past and look at the future ONLY when we have a handle on the "now." Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. The challenge is to remember that we are not alone. We can evolve and those who care about us love us regardless of the struggle and the change. They understand because they have been through similar challenges.  They have the empathy.  We need to gravitate to those who are empathetic.  We need to gravitate to those who are honest.

     So find the light. Sometimes all we have to do is be patient and "be." It will be enough for those who love you.

"What the heart knows..."

“When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.” - 

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Love.  We waited nearly five hours before the nurse came in to tell us that they were ready for my husband.  Heart surgery.  Up until this point in my life, and my life has been charmed, I had rarely faced a crisis that I couldn't handle or had to handle for that matter.  Now, we were faced with the real unknown and suddenly, all of the things that we had ever argued about, fought about, and worried about didn't amount to a bag of beans. We kissed, a couple of times, and then I let him go.  He was in the hands of a very "Zen-like" heart surgeon.  My husband prides himself on being a good judge of character.  We had to be right this time.  I let the nurses take my husband away from me. 
There I was, alone and wondering if my love would be enough .  Is love ever enough?

The body tells all.  As they wheeled him away, I couldn't help but think, "What does the heart really know?"  I knew at that particular moment that my heart was breaking and fearful and already lonely.  I knew that the heart is an unyielding, powerful organ, capable of forcing us to look at our past, feel our present, and push us towards our future.  Our future. Our relationship was in the hands of an incredible medical team and I realized how little control we have with our lives.  Talent, patience and competency would have to see my husband through...I hoped the heart knew enough to bring him back to me.

Up until this stage in my life, I was truly comfortable in my loneliness.  I didn't meet my husband my 40's.  Love meant living through my family and my friends.  When I met my husband and we married, I realized that love meant something different.  Love between a man and a woman, is more than love.  It's the good with the bad.  The beauty with the ugliness.  The chaos and the peace.  

The strength that I witnessed in my husband during and after the surgery was unparalleled. By 11 a.m. the following day, we were catching a taxi back to Grand Central for the train ride home.  Remarkable.  Tomorrow, we celebrate 16 years together.  11 of those in a "legal" marriage.  We took a ten day vacation to Jamaica and exchanged our hand-written vows on the beach in front of a lovely reverend. When you are older, tradition goes out the window.  You want something more personal.  

Anniversaries are interesting.  We have these expectations.  We want to celebrate.  Cards, gifts...blah blah blah.  Marriage was terrifying for me.  For the King, probably not so much.  But I know this now, I know that marriages do not have to be perfect.  They just have to work.  My sister Jen told me that a long time ago.  She was right. There is also a clear relationship between love and hate.  We can love and we can hate on many different levels in a marriage.   I believe the reason many marriages fail is because one or the other or both stop trying.  They stop feeling.  OR perhaps one or the other expected the other to change and well, truthfully, that's not why you get married. No one should get married in the hopes that one or the other will change.  There is acceptance.  There is a partnership.  AND...one or the other will be making the compromises on any given moment.  

We celebrate anniversaries because we know how difficult marriages can be.  We celebrate marriages because we know that one will take turns giving more than the other and vice versa.   11 years ago I took a huge leap of faith, grew up and today, I look at my husband knowing that we have done our best.  Tomorrow we get to honor each other, even when he leaves his boxers on the bathroom floor.  Ok, ok, too much information...but I couldn't resist.

"Pushing The Reset Button, Part Deux"

“Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.”  – Roy T. Bennet

The world works in mysterious ways.  Here I am,  a year and seven months free of nicotine. Free from the single most dangerous display of insecurity that man has created.  Now it's time to reach out and reflect on what this means in the present tense.  First and foremost, when you see an improvement in your health that is wholeheartedly the most important thing that keeps you on healthier path.  Crazy as it sounds, I want to live longer, love longer, love harder and perhaps see the Eiffel Tower. I have stopped taking everything personally, best as I can.  I let go of being perfect and trying to please each and every one.  Hard.

A year and seven months ago, I was a different person.  I suddenly developed wings.  I knew my life had changed but I was not prepared for the impact of those changes.  Let's just say that my world got a whole lot more honest.  I had to verbalize, communicate in a completely different way.  I had to stop hiding behind the smoke.  Smoking is a very social activity.  My friends who smoked were all of a sudden very conscious of where I had been and they were very delicate with me.  Bless them.  I was all right though.  I was comfortable not smoking.  I was comfortable with a changed me.  I didn't know why then, but I do now.  I had no choice.  It had been too painful to quit.  The pain was a very healthy deterrent.  

I had to make decisions regarding my activities.  I suddenly was forced to manage the level of stress I would feel in various situations.  Now, remind you, I teach eighth graders.  So the stress of each and every day was ongoing.  Again, I did not go back to smoking because of the initial pain of quitting.  Whenever my world appeared to be falling apart, I remembered the pain.  I love the theater.  I love acting.  I had to curtail my projects so I could manage this enormous, physical and psychological change.  I am sure I disappointed a great many people by these actions.  The fact is, I discovered my strength and took a much needed break.  I had to express my frustrations.  I had to make my way with truthfully acknowledging when I was unhappy and I had to do it lovingly.  

When we are forced to change and put ourselves, our bodies,  first, those who stay by our side will stay by our side even when we are frustrated, angry, and ready to bite the head off a live chicken are more valued and love than you know!!  Today, I am much more grateful than I have ever been. When life becomes too difficult or painful, I take out the garbage.  I walk.  I even cry.  Tears can heal.

The relief I feel today is authentic.  I stopped hiding. I stopped planning my life around the next cigarette.  Now, the world revolves around my health, and not the cigarette.  My happiness depends on happily waking up each day knowing I am not a smoker.  I walk anywhere, climb stairs, chase after kids and don't get winded.  I know who is on my side.  I know who doesn't care one way of the other.   My biggest fan is ME.  We should all be our biggest fan when it comes to our health.  My biggest fan is ME.