"2020 Vision"

"Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man."  -Benjamin Franklin

I woke up this morning with the purring of my "feline domesticus" rubbing my face with her paw.  As I opened one eye at time, it became clear that with one day left of 2019, I am never sorry to see a year pass. I am now, more grateful for the present tense of life, such as it is. The road to 2020 vision has been a painful one and I am grateful.

When a year passes, we get the opportunity to put all of our transgressions, arguments, and frustrations behind us.  We survived them.  We conquered and battled the issues of the day...from impeachment, to the democratic beauty contest still under way to the confrontation of our own personal challenges.  I used to believe, foolishly, that if things didn't work out my way, then not only was I a failure, but others were indeed wrong because my way was the right way.  I was offended easily and discouraged easily. I had very little patience for other people's time tables.  I very rarely walked in someone else's shoes.  Over the past decade or more, all of that has gradually gone by the wayside because I realized that none of that behavior was working for me or my happiness.  I didn't have 2020 vision, I had tunnel vision.  Marriage and teaching changed all of that...in multiple and yes, exhausting ways.  Change is painful.  Change makes us wise.

The end of 2019 has been startling with many people from my past returning with a wonderful, and emotional welcome and quite by chance.  I am now reminded that those wonderful memories of the past, created the part of me that loves unconditionally. I am again reminded of how important adventures are. Hindsight gives us 2020 vision too.

Resolutions be damned.  It's our vision, and our present day mindfulness that keeps us on a path to sanity.  I have realized that if I put on foot in front of the other, it is also my choice to walk or run.  Either way, it's my choice no one else's.  I am not going to look forward to a new year, I am going to live in the present one.  That takes hard work.  Worrying about anything ahead of "today" is exhausting and the more tired we get, the less we have to be grateful for in the here and now.  Trust me, I have known tired.  I think we all have known tired.

In a matter of hours, a new year, a new decade, will be here for all of us. The year of 2020.  I hope it brings all of us a clear sense of vision. I hope our priorities include those who are in need.  I hope 2020 puts us in the present tense, forgetting about the pains and the frustrations of the past.  May 2020 give us the strength to find new purpose and adventure, either physically or emotionally. May we make decisions with careful thought, not impulse...with careful thought, not in frustration.  2020, the year of perfect vision, for all of us.

"Travels with Mickey"

"The wiser mind mourns less for what age takes away than what it leaves behind."

  - William Wordsworth 

There is an old saying that goes "Wisdom is wasted on the aged." There is no better time than the holidays to reflect that that phrase is true.  Christmas day was everything it  should be for my family.  My sister made an incredible rib roast just like Mom would make year after year. My other sister made a phenomenal salmon.  And there was my mother...like many many Christmases before, sitting at the head of the table, now in a wheelchair but looking so satisfied, proud as everyone bantered back and forth, teasing each other and well, eating...There would be no sadness and anger with her situation today.  I will never forget our time in the car.

Mom resides at one of the best nursing homes in the area.  They take better care of her than any of us ever could.  For the holidays, we travel back and forth with Mom and her wheelchair.  Yesterday was my turn and I was a nervous wreck, hoping I could manage the transportation without incident.   When I showed up to pick her up, Mom was overjoyed. "I'm springing ya Ma.  Let's go!" I said. It turned out, we managed fine as the security guard helped me get the wheelchair into the back of the car.  What an angel.

Aging brings dementia, immobility, hearing loss and more wisdom than I thought was possible as Mom and I drove to sister's. "What a beautiful day it is today! No snow." Mom said.  "Where are we?"  All of sudden, I was transported to a similar conversation I had had with Mom when I was four.  "Where we going Ma? How much longer?"   It was daunting how the roles have changed over the past ten years.  I never felt ready.  Maybe no one really does.

Mom asked me about King.  "I miss my husband," she said looking out the car window. I never heard such words of love growing up. I was grateful  I started to think that at 94, maybe Pop was gingerly calling for her.  It was a gift to hear those words.  With age comes wisdom.  We always want what we no longer have.  In the case of Mom, there were regrets, thoughts of love and longing.  

"How is school?"  I didn't know how to answer this because lately, I have lost my timing, and my patience with my kids.  Winter break nearly "broke" everyone at school I feel.  "I wanted you all educated," Mom said.  "I should have finished college.  I insisted you all get degrees and careers.  I set a standard.  Kids need standards."  I didn't know what to say to that.  She was right but how do you do that with 126 kids? More than half of them go home to no structure.  No standards.  No boundaries.   "You're a good teacher Claude," she said. We got to my sister's and the joy began.

On the way home, Mom was so grateful for my driving her.  I rolled her to her area and found the nurse to let her know Mom was back.  Ma hugged me as hard as she was able. "I love you Claude."   "Oh Ma," I held back tears.  "I love you too. Merry Christmas." I hugged her again and left. Walking the long, long hallways, fighting back the tears.  Mom was safe, and happy and grateful.  As we age, I can only hope to feel that way when every other memory we have might be fading.  I want to remember the loving feelings. There may have been regrets on my mother's part but along with that came her generation's sense of duty and responsibility.  That was handed down to my  sisters and I.  As long as Mom realized that, which she did,  then hopefully, we are on our way to a peaceful aging process.

"It's a Christmas Miracle..."

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."  -  Carl Jung

I am a pretty introspective when forced to be so as Christmas approaches I began to think of all the miracles that have come my way within the past year.  So although I am terrible at making lists and well, checking them, here at least is a partial list of miracles...such as they are:

It's a Christmas miracle that...

• I have not been involved in a car accident considering that using blinkers seems to be a thing of the past.
• I have figured out how to effectively block my cell phone from the endless number of unwanted "robo-phone" calls.  
• I can stay up till nine p.m., most nights...even earlier!!
• I still feel empowered to put makeup on in the morning.  
• I haven't dragged a student by their ear lobe to the assistant principal the week before winter break.  That would be a no-no and I would be on the "naughty list" indefinitely.  Don't judge.
• I have each and every time, reached the box of chic pea pasta at Shop Rite which has notoriously been stacked on the absolute TOP shelf of the aisle.  Don't ask how but swatting it down with my purse has worked pretty effectively.  Don't try this in the milk aisle though...
• My two adorable kitties haven't fallen into the tub, trying to grab the bubbles and my feet, while I'm in it.  I'm never alone.  I am grateful.
• I have kept the 30 pounds I lost off!!! 
• I have after almost three years NOT smoked one cigarette!  Believe me, I have wanted to smoke on more than one occasion but the suffering and the trauma that goes along with quitting remains in the forefront of my mind and I don't.  I just don't go there.
• We are not in a civil war.  
• I have the friends I have, some for 30 plus years.  We don't get to see each other nearly as much as I would like but life takes over and you all need to know, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
• My family looks out for each other.  We have arisen.  We are who we are and there is acceptance.
• My husband and I kiss each other each and every morning before I leave for work and when I get home despite the fact that I pick up his boxers off the bathroom floor each and every day.   I love him.  Always will.  Love happens when you are not looking. Marriage with the right person is indeed a Christmas miracle, even through the hardest times.

So all, Christmas is right around the corner and in the midst of all the pressures and yes, ugliness of life, there are miracles.  We may have to look hard for them.  Some drop right in front of us and take us by surprise.  The surprises are the best right? I hope there are many in store for all of you.  

"The Chicken Or The Egg"

“Sometimes we can only find our true direction when we let the wind of change carry us." 

- Mimi Novic

I don't remember being born. I doubt anyone does.  But I would like to have remembered that moment my mother tells me about where I burst out, eyes wide open and wanting to converse with well, everyone...immediately.  The older I get, thank goodness, the more I realize how important it is for me to connect with people.  When I am in the company of the husband, family, friends and colleagues, I reach that moment of zen and I feel alive.

Now, here is the complexity of this.  At one point do we realize that we need quiet? At what point do we understand that living with some level of peace is the single most important thing we can do for ourselves?  For me, the realization occurred when I started teaching 13 years ago.  The older I get, the more quiet I need from the difficulties of a day of teaching.  Five performances a day.  Sometimes the audience buys into the show that is planned, sometimes not.  The relief comes from the knowledge that tomorrow will be better.  A teacher can dream right?  I'm not convinced that it was fate or a calling that led me to teaching but I am pretty sure it had to do with being of service.  It's the calling police officers, fire fighters, emergency medical technicians, nurses, and social workers feel and must honor, even at the cost of their own lives. 

As soon as I was able to speak, I knew that I had to connect with people.  I have been very successful with that vision.  Sadly, there are other moments where the pain of the lack of success in reaching those who need it most, is well, unbearable.  It is a remarkable and a necessary stubbornness that makes me rise each day at five a.m. and open that classroom door with the strategies in place for survival.  Having once been an"egg" I am now the strictness and the stubbornness that came from my parents.  The "egg" has served me well and it has made me realize that more connected we are to our parents and our families, the more prepared we are for the life outside of the womb.   I ache for each kid that has walked into my classroom that has not had the direction that I had as a kid.  Believe me, I hated my parents when they clamped down and actually said, "No."  But, it made me appreciate the "Yes-es" even  more.  That's parenting.  That is teaching.  Sometimes the word "No" is the single most important word we can use when dealing with kids.  Strike that..."No" is an important word period when spoken with love. 

If I was the egg...if we all were eggs at some point, then our parents were chickens but NOT in the sense of well, chickens.  There were eggs once too.  We have a legacy of our beginnings which lead to our endings and we have a responsibility to honor what came first and make the world better from there. That's what teachers try to do.  Sometimes we are incredibly successful.  Other times we are soooooo not and we lick our wounds and wait for that five o'clock alarm to adjust. 

" A New Kind of Gratitude"

 "Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."  - Melody Beattie

     A lot of my time on this planet has been spent wanting more.  It's true.  Nothing ever seemed as though it was enough.  The dissatisfaction I carried with me increased in weight each and every decade.  Let me say that this "ton of dissatisfaction" prevented me from finding joy, finding happiness, finding the grace that I so admired in so many of my family and friends.  It wasn't until I put my own health first that I realized a new kind of gratitude.  The gratitude of life. 

     There are many dark days.  Days where we are saddened.  We are saddened by loss, our failures, and the tragedies of those who are close to us.  The longer we live, the more we witness and sometimes what we see can nearly break us in two.  We are left with so many questions.  Miraculously, most of us work through it and build a life that we are grateful for regardless of the hurt. Others however, may not have that ability and it's up to us, to love those who can not love themselves.

  

   Teaching for 14 years has show me a different kind of gratitude. Watching my students enter the classroom each day, knowing full well that their world has turmoil and as they push each and every button of their teachers, I remember that I am grateful that I have not witnessed what they have witnessed.  I have not lived what they have lived.  "We don't have to be perfect," I tell myself.  "We just have to understand."  When anger becomes part of the reaction, I remember that when the anger surfaces, let it be natural.  Let it be honest and use it as a teachable moment.

     Gratitude has evolved in other ways recently. I am grateful for each and every meal King makes for dinner.  Coming home exhausted, knowing he has put some thought into our health and is cooking something fabulous, is an incredible act of love. I am grateful for that first day King and I met and he asked me if "Do you need rescuing." I guess I did and I wasn't even aware that was the case. 

    I am grateful for my mother, my sisters and their children who filled that parental need for me when I realized I would never have children of my own.  Although families will often have conflicts, your family knows you better than anyone ever will.  This also applies to the good friends who have stayed in my life for over thirty years.  You know who you are.

 Seriously...I am grateful for the clerk at Shop Rite who reached me a quart of milk.  I am grateful when my anxiety leaves me without having smoked a cigarette.  On that note I am grateful for my fears. My anxiety too.  For without those, I would never know the strength and the courage that comes from change.  We are given "choice."  That reality alone snaps me back to sanity.  

     Living breeds various intervals of uncertainty.  My 94 year-old mother would attest to that.  As I look out my bedroom window, I see the trees on our mountain starting change color.  The hues of orange and yellow are reminders that nothing stays the same.  Change is inevitable.  We can either choose to accept that or not. Acceptance is much less frustrating and brings much more peace.

     

"The Climb..."

“We don't develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” “Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men.” “Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity.”- Donte PlimptonMay 24, 2019 

  "Seriously dear? Really?"  I looked at the beginning of the trail and the level of panic grew caused my heart to race.  "You're kidding right? I will never get back down!"  King looked at me and said, "If you can get up the mountain, you can get down."  Profound thoughts coming from a man who is a cross between "Grizzly Adams" and well,  just about any other famous naturalist you can think of with the exception of perhaps "Crocodile Dundee."  Although if given the opportunity...
     And so that's how we began the mile and a quarter climb up Mount Beacon.  We had talked about this for a while now.  I have been walking miles, literally miles as part of my recovery from cigarettes. I thought I was ready.  What surprised me was how scared I was to take the challenge my husband had presented to me. I was terrified.  What was this? I have literally performed in front of hundreds of people. Terrified? I believe King thought I was terrified too.  So with one foot in front of the other we started the climb.  This after an initial ten flights maybe more of stairs, I concluded, "I can't do this..." I thought.
     After about 15 minutes, I found a rock to sit on and thankfully we were carrying Camel-backs of water.  I sat down to catch my breath.  I was nearly in tears which were hidden behind my Ray Bans. "We can always go back dear," my husband said, looking at me with hope in his eyes. I knew that tone. It was the "You can do this and you won't embarrass yourself in the process," tone.  Sitting on the rock, I watched others proceed up the path.  There were children literally running up and running down the path.  A pregnant woman was hustling up the path with absolutely no issues. Not even out of breath, SMILING!  There were others running UP and running DOWN the path and I'm thinking to myself, "How the hell is this possible?"  During this respite, I realized the King was looking at me.  "Damn, if they can do this, so can I."  I got up and looked at King and said, "Let's go." I grabbed my walking sticks and went past him.
     The trail was rocky.  It was steep.  There were more rests.  There was more water.  After what seemed like an eternity,  the path leveled out.  King looked at me, "We're almost there dear."  I walked and in front of us was the sky, the view of the Hudson River and the bluest sky and the whitest of white clouds.  I collapsed in the chest of the King, sobbing.  "You did it dear.  You did it." We kissed., of course. We walked to the lookout and sat.  We ate our lunch and just marveled at the crystal clear view.  Others did the same.  There was joy.  There was a communal understanding of the thought, " We are here," One woman had carried her one year old son with her other children. So had another man, carried his infant son to the top of Mount Beacon.  Strangers, exchanging fruit and speaking to each other like they had known each other forever.  King and I rested some more and I looked at him. " I don't know how I'm going to get off this mountain.  Just leave me."  He got up and said,  "Just get in the zone."  Right,
     The return trip down was just as difficult as the trip up.  Thank God for walking sticks and the hiking boots King had given me a couple of Christmases ago.  He knows what he is doing when it comes to the outdoors.  Bless his little "Grizzly Adams" heart. By the time we got the stairs, my legs were absolutely rubber.  My knees were rubber.  I was rubber...Rubber!!!  Now I realized as we finished our adventure, rubber is resilient. Rubber bounces back. 
     We got the car and King went to the closest deli to buy me an iced tea and well, Ibuprofen.  He started the car and I looked out the window.  I had just completed the most difficult thing I have ever done, next to performing, next to teaching eighth graders...I had just done something I thought I could never do.The brain changes when we do something we thought we could never do.  I climbed Mount Beacon. I thought about all of those times when I was told "I couldn't or shouldn't." All of sudden the years of limitations that I had been carrying were gone.  I experienced the top of a mountain.  I am forever changed.

x

"The Unbearable Lightness of Being"

“Chance and chance alone has a message for us. Everything that occurs out of necessity, everything expected, repeated day in and day out, is mute. Only chance can speak to us.”― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

   

     Since as long as I can remember, I wanted to "be." At four, I wanted to be a ballerina. At six I wanted to be a writer. At nine I wanted to be an actor AND a ballerina AND a writer. Go figure. I am none of those. I take my walks. I listen to the birds and soak in the sun. I need the quiet and the solitude. Until these past of couple of years, I was never cognizant of how important that is and then I remember, "I am a teacher." But is this the last part of my journey? What have I "taught" myself?

     After walking three miles today, I realized that we all take many paths and as long as we have the passion for them, we need to take them ...We need to put one foot in front of the other and go. I wiped the sweat from my face and suddenly came to the conclusion that the one thing that motivates any of us is the prospect of change. Change invites fear, doubt and the courage to take a chance. Ho w do we do this? Well, I think we need to be forced into the change. None of us appreciates being forced into anything but typically when that happens, we act. We learn. We change. Those of us "in between" are frustrated and deeply unhappy either temporarily or permanently.

     Human nature dictates that those who do not follow the norm very often trail blaze. They challenge the norms of society and change it. For better or worse, history provides many examples of both. For most of us, we discover our personal passions in a much less turbulent way. The question is when do we become happy with what we have? When are we just happy "being?" Those who find "being" unbearable, are most likely facing their fears and in doing so, are afraid to follow their passions. We have all been there in one way or the other. Marriage, teaching and acting have taught me well on all of these counts. So then, why do we hesitate?

     I believe that these hesitations stem from a lack of patience. We think or we have been influenced to believe that we should have certain things by a certain time in our lives. We become "heavy." We become weighted down with negativity. We become stuck. In those moments, hours, days, weeks, years, we forget to lighten up. We need to free ourselves from the past and look at the future ONLY when we have a handle on the "now." Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. The challenge is to remember that we are not alone. We can evolve and those who care about us love us regardless of the struggle and the change. They understand because they have been through similar challenges.  They have the empathy.  We need to gravitate to those who are empathetic.  We need to gravitate to those who are honest.

     So find the light. Sometimes all we have to do is be patient and "be." It will be enough for those who love you.

"What the heart knows..."

“When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.” - 

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Love.  We waited nearly five hours before the nurse came in to tell us that they were ready for my husband.  Heart surgery.  Up until this point in my life, and my life has been charmed, I had rarely faced a crisis that I couldn't handle or had to handle for that matter.  Now, we were faced with the real unknown and suddenly, all of the things that we had ever argued about, fought about, and worried about didn't amount to a bag of beans. We kissed, a couple of times, and then I let him go.  He was in the hands of a very "Zen-like" heart surgeon.  My husband prides himself on being a good judge of character.  We had to be right this time.  I let the nurses take my husband away from me. 
There I was, alone and wondering if my love would be enough .  Is love ever enough?

The body tells all.  As they wheeled him away, I couldn't help but think, "What does the heart really know?"  I knew at that particular moment that my heart was breaking and fearful and already lonely.  I knew that the heart is an unyielding, powerful organ, capable of forcing us to look at our past, feel our present, and push us towards our future.  Our future. Our relationship was in the hands of an incredible medical team and I realized how little control we have with our lives.  Talent, patience and competency would have to see my husband through...I hoped the heart knew enough to bring him back to me.

Up until this stage in my life, I was truly comfortable in my loneliness.  I didn't meet my husband my 40's.  Love meant living through my family and my friends.  When I met my husband and we married, I realized that love meant something different.  Love between a man and a woman, is more than love.  It's the good with the bad.  The beauty with the ugliness.  The chaos and the peace.  

The strength that I witnessed in my husband during and after the surgery was unparalleled. By 11 a.m. the following day, we were catching a taxi back to Grand Central for the train ride home.  Remarkable.  Tomorrow, we celebrate 16 years together.  11 of those in a "legal" marriage.  We took a ten day vacation to Jamaica and exchanged our hand-written vows on the beach in front of a lovely reverend. When you are older, tradition goes out the window.  You want something more personal.  

Anniversaries are interesting.  We have these expectations.  We want to celebrate.  Cards, gifts...blah blah blah.  Marriage was terrifying for me.  For the King, probably not so much.  But I know this now, I know that marriages do not have to be perfect.  They just have to work.  My sister Jen told me that a long time ago.  She was right. There is also a clear relationship between love and hate.  We can love and we can hate on many different levels in a marriage.   I believe the reason many marriages fail is because one or the other or both stop trying.  They stop feeling.  OR perhaps one or the other expected the other to change and well, truthfully, that's not why you get married. No one should get married in the hopes that one or the other will change.  There is acceptance.  There is a partnership.  AND...one or the other will be making the compromises on any given moment.  

We celebrate anniversaries because we know how difficult marriages can be.  We celebrate marriages because we know that one will take turns giving more than the other and vice versa.   11 years ago I took a huge leap of faith, grew up and today, I look at my husband knowing that we have done our best.  Tomorrow we get to honor each other, even when he leaves his boxers on the bathroom floor.  Ok, ok, too much information...but I couldn't resist.

"Pushing The Reset Button, Part Deux"

“Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.”  – Roy T. Bennet

The world works in mysterious ways.  Here I am,  a year and seven months free of nicotine. Free from the single most dangerous display of insecurity that man has created.  Now it's time to reach out and reflect on what this means in the present tense.  First and foremost, when you see an improvement in your health that is wholeheartedly the most important thing that keeps you on healthier path.  Crazy as it sounds, I want to live longer, love longer, love harder and perhaps see the Eiffel Tower. I have stopped taking everything personally, best as I can.  I let go of being perfect and trying to please each and every one.  Hard.

A year and seven months ago, I was a different person.  I suddenly developed wings.  I knew my life had changed but I was not prepared for the impact of those changes.  Let's just say that my world got a whole lot more honest.  I had to verbalize, communicate in a completely different way.  I had to stop hiding behind the smoke.  Smoking is a very social activity.  My friends who smoked were all of a sudden very conscious of where I had been and they were very delicate with me.  Bless them.  I was all right though.  I was comfortable not smoking.  I was comfortable with a changed me.  I didn't know why then, but I do now.  I had no choice.  It had been too painful to quit.  The pain was a very healthy deterrent.  

I had to make decisions regarding my activities.  I suddenly was forced to manage the level of stress I would feel in various situations.  Now, remind you, I teach eighth graders.  So the stress of each and every day was ongoing.  Again, I did not go back to smoking because of the initial pain of quitting.  Whenever my world appeared to be falling apart, I remembered the pain.  I love the theater.  I love acting.  I had to curtail my projects so I could manage this enormous, physical and psychological change.  I am sure I disappointed a great many people by these actions.  The fact is, I discovered my strength and took a much needed break.  I had to express my frustrations.  I had to make my way with truthfully acknowledging when I was unhappy and I had to do it lovingly.  

When we are forced to change and put ourselves, our bodies,  first, those who stay by our side will stay by our side even when we are frustrated, angry, and ready to bite the head off a live chicken are more valued and love than you know!!  Today, I am much more grateful than I have ever been. When life becomes too difficult or painful, I take out the garbage.  I walk.  I even cry.  Tears can heal.

The relief I feel today is authentic.  I stopped hiding. I stopped planning my life around the next cigarette.  Now, the world revolves around my health, and not the cigarette.  My happiness depends on happily waking up each day knowing I am not a smoker.  I walk anywhere, climb stairs, chase after kids and don't get winded.  I know who is on my side.  I know who doesn't care one way of the other.   My biggest fan is ME.  We should all be our biggest fan when it comes to our health.  My biggest fan is ME.

"And So A Little Rain Must Fall..."

  "The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My husband used to make fun of me as I would panic and run to where ever because of the rain.  As time has gone passed, I am less afraid of the rain and more afraid of never seeing it again.  Think about that for a second.  Every time we complain about something or wish it would go away, we risk the regret that occurs when it goes in fact disappear never to return.

This all sounds morbid I know.  It's easy to get caught in the abyss of hopelessness.  Those feeling of nothing being good enough.  We search for "happiness" when in fact real happiness lies in the presence of the present moment.  This is easy to forget when adversity is singing away and the negativity is dancing in our heads, instead of us just plain...well...dancing!  Easier said than done.  

When it rains, it pours.  Life teaches us that.  We suffer great loss.  We forget the pain and again, take certain things for granted.  This is human nature.  We forget to be grateful when we become so absorbed in our own feelings that we forget about the feelings of others.  The pain is of course real.  It's uncomfortable and we lash out or hide. After 58 years, I have noticed this as being a repetitive behavior in all of us.  This includes those that we deem to love and who love us.  Disappointment comes when we expect too much.  When we love too much without allowing the love to come in return, it is easy to become lost.  Hope dissipates.  

When the rain comes, we should allow ourselves to find some peace.  As the rain comes, so does our growth.  Without the rain, nothing can take root or grow or bloom.  Sometimes, we simply have to let ourselves get wet. Don't worry.  We dry off.  More rain will come and in the process,  we will embrace the uncomfortable cloudiness and the lack of sunshine because we know for sure there is always sun.

For My Teacher Friends...

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." - John Lubbock

"And that's a wrap..."  I would be lying if I said that this year, this year of teaching was a piece of cake.  It was more of a piece of poorly seared steak.  Chewy, full of grizzle and very, very difficult to digest.  I am sure that our brains, hearts and well, egos were tremendously bruised by the current climate of the "My cell phone first" generation.  I am sure that the levels of frustration reached insurmountable heights and yet, YET, there is summer... Summer.  For those who don't quite understand, summer means restoration. Summer means reflection and a quiet pause for the profession of teachers in this country who never stop caring; who never stop working on themselves, who never stop believing that they are doing the single most important job in the country...next to parenting of course. 

As summer approaches, I am left with this constant thought..."We did it.  We did about as much as we possibly could with all of our students."  The kids who are emotionally damaged.  The kids who are apathetic.  The kids who believe that "opting out" is a right.  We witnessed our kids either seep into depressive tendencies or soar to find a passion they never knew they had.  This is precisely why summer is so important.  We are tired.  Fierce love and devotion make any one in the teaching profession tired.  It's really that simple.  We are accountable.  We are all diverse and we are constantly learning new ways to confront overwhelming social egregiousness that is not preventable.  We try, but it is not preventable. Unless...UNLESS...we are supported by the society that sends us the very youth we are accountable for 180 plus days a year.  When we get the support of a parent, success is inevitable.  When the relationship is built, there is NOT one child who will not remember that connection.

What is sorely missing is the importance of the human connection.  The evidence is clear.  Texting and social media although fun and entertaining do not build a society that understands critical thinking, problem-solving and most importantly, the ability to cope with disappointment.  There is nothing that can replace the face to face interaction of friend to friend, colleague to colleague, teacher to student, parent to child.  No test will measure all those things.  It just has to be part of the mathematical equation that equals "family."

What I realized this week is that my colleagues are family.  We don't always agree or even like each other.  We commiserate.  We fight for the copier. We cry.  We laugh.  We retire and wake up with the morning sun, not the 5 a.m. alarm.  We celebrate those who have devoted many years to the potential of those kids who never knew what they were capable of until a teacher showed them, usually after school hours.  For those who rejected our efforts and our help, we are sorry. We did NOT give up.  We just let you figure out that the world owes you nothing except the chance...the chance to move beyond the disappointment and the hurt you have witnessed.  Only you can put one sneaker in front of the other and move forward to the life you were meant to have, not the life that hurt you.

Summer is coming.  We are tired.  I would go as far to say that many are tired, just like the teachers are.  My hope is that through the exhaustion and the frustration that at least one person notices and that the changes that need to happen, promote more kindness, more tolerance and the importance of education.  We are all responsible for the education of our youth, not just educators.  Public education needs public support.  Summer is coming.  Let it be time for all of us, to prioritize and put education first and foremost ahead of politics and ego.  Summer is coming.  Let the sun heal.  Wiggle your toes in the sand.  Watch a firefly or two.  Pay attention.  We are always capable.

"Spring Awakenings"

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." -  Robert H. Schuller

       It was a gorgeous day today.  The air was crisp and cool.  Spring.  Rebirth.  Hope.  I've been predisposed to thinking very seriously about how important spring is to me.  It seems that no matter what has happened, no matter what I have faced, it is spring that grants me complete and total absolution from all the worries and the anxiety that I have faced or have witnessed.

     There is always hope.  There is always that glimmer of hope.  Everything begins to grow in the spring and for that nature grants us that opportunity as well.  The decline of fall and pain of winter, frozen emotions seem to finally thaw.  This is where the lessons are.  Can we endure winter? Can we find the will to see all of life's troubles through and embrace the blooming of spring?  When we are suffering...and the human condition does not keep us immune...we do not see the spring.  We do not believe that seasons change and the growth that comes from personal suffering, makes us wiser, stronger and hopefully more empathetic. If we can allow the empathy, we can face the winter.

     Every year, the seasons mean something different for me but no season gives me the renewed vision like spring.  We all come out of hiding.  There is no more fear of frost.  The cold has dissipated.  We begin to move differently.  We see hear the sounds of nature's awakening.  Suddenly, we begin to think differently.  Maybe we become more honest with our loved ones.  Maybe we forgive those who have caused us pain. Or if we can not forgive, perhaps we can see the truth and move beyond the darkness of our past pain.  Hopefully, we find the humor out of the seriousness that often looms within humanity.  Perhaps we can find joy in our youth, embrace them and teach them and give them the time they deserve.     

     Spring means healing.  Spring means putting aside our egos and our pride and accepting what is.  We cannot change anything or anyone other than ourselves and herein lies the most important lesson of spring.  The world does not revolve around us.   We revolve around the world.  It is up to us to leave it in a better place.  Our time here is short.  It spins past like a "New York minute."  In the darkest times of winter, think of the ecstasy and the warmth of spring.  With each spring, we can become wiser, less judgmental and capable of more love if we allow ourselves to do so.  For those who won't or can't, love them regardless.  Love is what spring is all about.  So take your antihistamine.  Grab that box of tissues, blow your nose.  Ignore the pollen count.  Love spring.  Love each other.  Love yourself.  The past can not be corrected.  It simply happened.  Be the better person in spite of the past.  Spring has sprung!

 

 

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"When We Grow Up..."

“I am convinced that most people do not grow up...We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are innocent and shy as magnolias.”

- Maya Angelou

     Something very important happened over the last three weeks.  My heart, my emotional well-being grew up.  They say the wisdom is wasted on the "young."  I think that's a cruel thing to say.  Growth is growth, if we allow it to happen.  Let's just say that that when we allow our loved ones to follow their own path, even if it's their last part of the journey, there has to be peace in knowing that no amount of memories, good, bad or otherwise will change what lies ahead for all of us.

     I have been thinking about aging lately.  Do we deny aging? Color our hair? Act like my eighth graders? Do we pretend that it's not happening? Or is it possible that there is more grace, more beauty in putting one foot in front of the other and simply living the life we were meant to live without regret.  Here is what I have learned lately: 

• We need our family.  We need to be listened to and to be loved...
• We need to keep our friendships.
• We need to be surrounded by those activities that keep us passionate.
• We need to laugh...My GOD do we need to laugh!
• We need to cry. 
• We need to forgive, NOT forget.  We need to forgive for our own health and emotional well-being.
• We need to accept our past, our pains, and embrace the world we have intuitively created.
• We need to love.  We need to embrace love more than hate. Hate may buy votes but it will not sustain what most of us instinctively feel...LOVE.
• AND sometimes it's really acceptable to be quiet and not say a thing...

     I have watched, observed and embraced.  I will continue to do so.  Will you? Will our modern society, put down their smart phones, look at the ones they love and see their truth? Will we pay attention to each other? Are we able to pay attention to each other the way we did before technology made everything "easier?"

     Watching the twilight years of someone I held in the highest esteem, letting them find their path, finally... Acknowledging that they are not perfect...has made me a stronger person.  It's made me a more "honest" partner.  Walk in someone else's shoes. Sounds cliche but do it.  Maybe once we do, we get the civilization we all yearn to have.  It really boils down to love.

"And though she be but little..."

     It started when I was born.  Being born prematurely and barely five pounds, I was underestimated.  I was underestimated because of the fear that something would happen to me given how little I was and how little I would stay.  I was over-protected and that caused a great deal of underestimation.  I learned a long time ago that being petite causes people to be very doubtful of one's abilities.  I believed it all. I was convinced everyone else was right.  I would be capable of very little.  Someone would always be there to protect me.  If I lived up to everyone else's standards that would be enough and I would be content playing the role of "people pleaser."  I was content being underestimated. That is until I decided I wanted to become an educator.

     Finding a position as an English teacher was as competitive as finding work as an actor on Broadway.  When I was first licensed in the late 80's, there were many interviews but I wasn't fortunate enough to get a full-time position. I moved on to other business.  I grew up and learned what the business world really expected of an individual.  There could be no excuses.  An apology was accepted as long as, "It didn't happen again."  If I wanted to put food in the fridge, clothes on my back and own a vehicle, I had better have carried out what was expected.  Being underestimated was no longer part of the picture.  At 46 years of age, I became a teacher.  I had grown up

     I don't know if most people understood what it meant to become hired as an educator.  It was the pinnacle of all of those "Sorry, next..." interviews and the struggle to those professors that I was worthy of a masters degree.  I did become a masters graduate with honors.  Honors.  I had never known what that meant to be honored with anything.  I was indeed honored.

     The students who have come in and out of my classroom since 2006 will never really know how incredible it was to stand in front of them and impart what I could.  They all became "MY" kids.  Each heartache, each accomplishment was ours to share. Some were shared verbally, others not.  We never truly know what goes on in the mind of a teenager.  The only thing we can do is remember ourselves what it felt like to be 14. 

     Today, what I see is a great deal of entitlement among those who struggle. No one is entitled to anything.  Hard work provides the doors that open and shut. Having said that,  I have made so many mistakes underestimating the true nature of what my kids are capable of doing.  When I make that mistake, I am reminded of how it felt to have been treated the same.  I push them and care for them regardless.  This becomes the hardest part of being a teacher.  We have a student's best interests at heart even if they refuse our care and lately, many have done just that and it's a sad reminder that we are human.  Our hearts ache for the lost.  

     So to be "underestimated" was probably the very best thing that ever happened to this little woman.  I dare anyone to argue that the struggles make you stronger.  The successes make you more humble and the years fly by whether we are satisfied with our outcomes or not.  As is my habit, I wake at five a.m., get two cups of coffee in me, get dressed, put the face on and drive to my school that has it share of stories, ghosts, and children...who will find out soon enough what life is all about if they haven't already.