Since my time on this earth, nothing has caused me more pain and more anxiety than being afraid to set boundaries. When I have sat down and reflected on why this has been so incredibly difficult, it has boiled down to this one simple fear...disappointing those I love and well, anyone else in my life. Full blown anxiety stemmed from wanting everyone in my life to not think of me with any conflict or ill will. At this stage of my life, it has become clear to me and my well-being that setting boundaries and putting my own personal limits on what is acceptable and what is not, matters, and thus, it should matter to each and every one of us.
There is a lot of discourse in our society these days. As a teacher, I see the real danger of our refusal to teach our young the importance of boundaries and how to respect the space of others. But here's the problem...they don't see this in the adults they have in their life and if they do, they are taught that they can deflate that respect if they yell loud enough. Sadly,many moms and dads are too burnt out and too tired to enforce acceptable behavior and the limitations or restrictions do not last. Their exposure to social media and it's access 24/7 has also encouraged the behavior of "Everything I say or do is acceptable. " My sisters and I were afraid of our parents disappointment. Being the youngest, I was afraid of disappointing any of the adults in my family. There were always repercussions. Always. So when is rebellion acceptable?
Rebellion is acceptable when we witness the bullying and the pain of others and do something about it Then, THEN rebellion is not only acceptable but necessary. Hatred is not acceptable or if it is part of our experience, temporarily, then we need to fill that experience with more love. That's the simple fact. That is the only thing historically that works and just when modern society appears to have that figured out, we get lazy and the hate below the surface, surfaces and catches us by surprise. We are shocked, saddened and overwhelmed. Time passes, we heal and forget to keep our ear to the ground and listen for the dangerous tremors underground. Being assertive, setting our boundaries is necessary for survival. Self-help author, Henry Cloud has said, "We get what we tolerate." We have grown to tolerate too much. We need to take the blinders off. Social media gives everyone a voice which is healthy and yet, dangerous. The boundaries disappear. This is when the innocent get hurt. There has to be a balance between what is sensible and what is simply down right disgraceful.
Those who have had no boundaries and then develop the skills to enforce theirs, often shock those around them. Changes occurred and now, those who are on the receiving end of those changes are left to regroup. Do not worry. They will. Love transcends the change and if it doesn't, the relationships were not meant to endure. We find the courage to move forward and away. Every discussion revolving depression, anxiety, suicide, and unfortunately, random acts of violence are the result of our lack of boundaries and the hurt perpetuated by more hurt. The sensationalism and political rhetoric do not help either. The hope lies in what love and the unified activism can do politically. We see that and we see the hope.
There are many cliches I could include here, but that would be boring. Boundaries are the emotional choices we must make to grow and move forward with our own personal. goals and passions. It is perfectly all right to say "NO." It is perfectly all right to say, "I won't allow this in my life." Once we are able to do that, we come stronger. We become secure. We feel safe.
Finally, I can't help but think of my students when it comes to boundaries. They know what "wrong" is. They do. BUT, they need reminders and the adults in their lives need to remind them. I find that I must discuss boundaries with them all the time until they get it. Now, more than ever, we need to show them how to set healthy boundaries and more importantly, we need to encourage and show them how to do so first at home, and then monitor their progress each day when they return home. The most important boundaries are not physical ones, but emotional ones.
