"Blocked"

“To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.”
—Allen Ginsberg

I've always had this undying goal to be heard so imagine my surprise when I started to write over that past couple of weeks and well, nothing, NOTHING evolved.  I've given in to the frustration.  It all seemed either predictable, trite, and incredibly boring. 

Perhaps the other reason I have had so much trouble is because there is too much to write about these days.  It's making my head spin.

I could write about politics and well, I will, but not now.  I'm still digesting this past year's debacle.  I'm not sure whether to be totally in denial or scared half to death that most of the American public needs so much, works so hard, and sees nothing for their efforts. Or last they feel that way.  What I hope is that the result is more compassion and not a revolt of ignorance.  Ignorance is my biggest fear. Having said that, it's a good thing I am not ready to write about public education.  I will, but not now.  

I could write about relationships, familial, marital, friendships.  I will, but not now.  Lately, I have come to realize just how important all the relationships I have are so vitally important to me that I could break into tears knowing that each and everyone of the people in my life have changed me, kicking and screaming, into to a middle-aged, more patient, more humble, more resolute person...hopefully.  I don't rush to judgement any longer.  I don't pass judgement either. I am less sensitive but more empathetic if that makes any sense.  I have been graced with getting in touch with so many people from my past lately and all of the laughter and pain of my youth has come rushing through me like a tsunami. I have learned that it wasn't all bad. I wasn't all that bad...well, I tried to be bad but I wasn't all that successful. In fact, I was told in college that "I was just too good a person to date." We move on and we move away from the past. I am grateful to be in love with my husband, in love with my family too.  What's different is me. I'm older and less eager to please everyone.  I have realized that I can love with all my heart without feeling like it's not enough.

Sometimes I dream to have more knowledge and become more curious so that my writing sounds more relevant.  You cannot have an ego as a writer.  I tell my students that the best way to feel more comfortable with writing is simply sit down and do it.  If it doesn't evolve, then walk away and let the frustration disappear.  Writing is a powerful tool that breaks down our emotional walls, and let's us release the emotions that we dare not admit or speak.  The release is enough.  Once it's on paper, or on Microsoft Word, it's not part of our worries.  It's there for reflection and part of our history.  Words have a legacy.