"The Weight of My World"

         “It is easier to change a man's religion than to change his diet.” ― Margaret Mead

 I did a very courageous thing the other day.  I got on the scale.  "119 pounds?????" It    was 5:45 a.m. in the morning and I ran into the bedroom and jumped on my husband.  "King, I'm 119 pounds!!!!??? How the did that happen?  I haven't been 119 pounds since...since...I was 21!"  In between snores, my husband kissed me and rolled over saying, "That's terrific honey.  Just don't buy any more shoes.  There's no more room in the closet." Bless my husband.   Please....He's loved me from the time I could woof down an entire meatball, pepperoni, extra-large pizza to now, with my spinach salads, my cashews, apples and two liters of water.  It's been a journey.  So here's the truth.

It takes a health scare to make one realize that when something goes wrong with our body, there is a direct correlation to something that we're doing to ourselves.  We can live in denial.  We can cry.  We can stay up night after night worrying and very upset that we were chosen to have this crisis happen. All of this is incredibly valid but it's what we do after we're faced with a health crisis that matters more than the crisis itself.  Are we going to take control of our lives or let some one in the health care system who doesn't know us and spends ten minutes with us, dictate what we should do?  At a crucial time like that, we need to get educated. We need to ask a ton of valid questions and then...hard as it is...change.

It took me two years. I watched people, more courageous than I will ever be, tackle grave health issues with a fierce, "take no prisoners" behavior.  They were diligent about being physical.  There were diligent about their bodies.  They cared about themselves and they put their health above all else because they had to do it.  I realized if they could do it, so could I.  In fact, I realized that real change comes from the heart.  My heart.  My mind.  I literally was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and if I wanted to live a long life, I had to shed the fear, the guilt and the worry of my weight.

When I was growing up, we ate well!  I mean, my mother baked and cooked and baked and cooked every single thing we ate.  Eating was a sign of good health.  If you weren't hungry there was something wrong.  There was the occasional "Devil Dog" or "Ring Ding" in the lunch bag but for the most of my youth, we ate in an extremely healthy fashion.  We had a garden every year. My mother baked the bread for our sandwiches.  When she bought a pasta maker, we had homemade  pasta.  She worked hard, so our bodies worked.  Who could not love that? 

But bad habits are bad habits.  They creep up on you like a bad virus. I lost my appreciation. I got caught up in other people's drama.  I lived the lives of others and not my own.  I lost myself.  That's how weight gain happens.  We lose ourselves because we feel we should. There are no "shoulds."  There are only "coulds."  Two years ago I realized I could. That doesn't mean it's easy but it's a relief.  

I've lost 16-17 pounds but I can tell you that the loss was my gain.  There are no more Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, wine. My body can't handle it.  However, there are no more severe dips in energy.  I eat apples. I don't count calories. I count my blessings and add as much color to our dinners as I possibly can. I thought I was missing so much now I realize I've gained so much more. The partial vision I lost in my right eye two years ago, has been replaced with a much clearer vision.  There is always hope. 

I've realized I'm a fighter.  I don't "diet."  The word "diet" is a horrible word.  Don't "diet." Live. Let no one tell you otherwise.  

"Love's labor, lost?"

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.” - Ogden Nash

Someone very close to me, whom I love more than life itself, is getting married soon and as I think of him, I can’t help thinking about my own marriage.  Life changes on a dime and although marriage came later to me than most, change was eminent.

To this person I love and his love, I would say this.  You’re getting married and this means, you are agreeing to a contract based on kindness.  Kindness, always from now until death, will matter and keep your relationship whole.  When in doubt and when there’s anger, think kindness first before any other reaction and you will solve the conflict.

I’ve been incredibly angry.  I never knew anger until I got married.  But the gift was that my husband wasn’t afraid and didn’t love me any less. He let me be angry.  The lesson: anger is real.  It’s important and it needs to be expressed through healthy discussion. You have to feel safe to be angry.  Marriage should make you feel safe. Ironically, we feel the most “unsafe” just before we get married.  I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now. Marriage is not for the weak of heart. Chew on that...

Be a good roommate.  Clean up after yourself.  Don’t expect your spouse to be the maid.  There should be no servitude in a marriage.  Clean the toilets.  Replace the toilet paper.  Take the garbage out and pick up your laundry.  No job should be beneath you. 

Your physical health is the single most important part of your marriage.  Don’t ignore what your body is telling you.  Put your health first for the sake of your loved one.  No one knows what lies ahead but good health makes us better partners, lovers and friends. Walks, hikes, a swim at the beach are quick fixes to just about everything...that is why, it’s important to feel healthy enough to do them.  Remember that.

There are non-negotiable, deal breakers in a marriage.  But hear this...you will keep secrets and you will not tell your spouse everything.  Keep some things for yourself.  You are entering a partnership but that doesn’t mean you lose your individuality.  Yes, it’s true.  You have someone else to consider now.  The world does NOT revolve around you anymore.  But, you need to keep a sense of yourself and remember keep doing the things that you are passionate about and that make you happy.  Your spouse is marrying you for who you are, warts and all.  Keep your passions.  Your spouse, your love, will never ask you to give up what you love.

Love is grand.  Love is essential to the human soul.  Marriage is entirely different than what you ever thought it would be.  If you keep your courage, it will bring you more self-awareness and more growth as a human being than you ever thought possible.  Pass the wedding cake and start the music...it’s time to dance at your wedding.

"Teaching "Soft Core"

One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.”  – Carl Jung

It was not part of my plan to become a teacher.  I forget the movie, but I remember a quote that went, “Those who can...DO.  Those who can’t...TEACH.”   I thought as I heard that dialogue that I would never want to hear those words spoken to me.  Many years later, I became someone who “does.”  AND... I teach. In spite of politics, test scores and rhetoric, I teach.

I admit that I suffer from a lack of focus but there are two things I knew in my thirties and forties.  One, I loved the performing arts, especially music and acting.  Two, I loved young people.  I wasn't prepared for the pitfalls of teaching. I struggle and continue to struggle with my students who for so many reasons, can’t be reached. That saddened me. I turned inward.

Two years ago, I learned more about teaching by becoming a student again. I had always wanted to learn how to sing properly and learn the proper technique. Through friends, I met my teacher, who truly taught me what teaching is and should be.  He’s a vocal and piano teacher and after many musicals and other performances, it seemed appropriate that I take a well-deserved lesson or two.   Our one or two lessons has turned into twenty, thirty.  I wanted to show my voice teacher I could sing and sing well. I wanted him to think I was truly gifted.  When you are learning something, anything, you go through so many emotions.  I realized then, that I am no different from my students and it annoyed me that up until this time in my career, I was just discovering how important that is.  I had forgotten to bring passion, caught up in the pressures of the job. 

As I walked into his studio, the first thing that startled me was how calm and warm it was. I gazed throughout the red room with all its antiques and artwork. There was so much to observe. There he was, soft-spoken, quietly peaceful in his tone.  In the gentleness of ways, this man, has shown me that my lessons were all about mistakes and not at all about perfection.  I was his student and I wasn’t going to learn a thing by being afraid.  He started with music that built my confidence and that I was comfortable with for my range.  We always start with what I call “catching up.”  We talk.  He listens to the tone of my voice and decides while listening, what I can accomplish and what songs would be appropriate given what I have been through that day.  He knows this.  I do not.  The music he gives me each week is like opening a Christmas gift or a birthday gift.  He has guided me, and become the seer of my present and yes, my cheerleader.  But this is by far the end of the tale...

The last two years, as I have been studying voice, I have become a true student again, interested in improving and reaching beyond my own comfort zone.  He taught me not to be afraid to make mistakes.  It didn’t take long for me to understand that what he was giving me as a student, I had to give my students: patience, knowledge, expertise, more patience and inspiration.  When we work together, I can hit the notes poorly, or well.  I am free to make all of the mistakes I want as long as I’m taking his efforts seriously.  As I’ve been studying, I been walking into my classroom with the same realizations that my vocal teacher has about learning.  Make the student unafraid to create, make mistakes, and love the process. 

As I’ve become the student, I understand how my students must feel as they sit in front of me.  Anxious, sometimes scared, sometimes not in the mood to create, I am their catalyst. My voice teacher understands and deciphers my “climate” before we do anything.  This is an important thing for any teacher to examine.  Assess the climate of the students or the classroom, and then determine what they are ready for and what they aren’t.  My classroom has artwork and all kinds of diversions for my students to gaze at and yes, some are great conversation pieces.  When you’re learning, you need to talk and question.

I work to create an environment where creativity is their personal journey.  I just steer the ship.  There are compliments, laughter and joy when there is a job well done and there is drill and repetitiveness when there are struggles.  The environment makes it possible to explore potential not kill it.

My voice teacher is a child prodigy with the piano.  He practices what he teaches. He works at his craft.  I learned that the thing that separates a good teacher from an excellent teacher is that very fact.  In the two years I’ve been inspired to do the same and as I learn, my students have learned.  You can’t measure the joy of learning with politics or test scores.  But you can measure the willingness to learn by watching how eager a student is to improve because you’ve shown them it’s acceptable to fail.  And yes, there is a difference between failure as means to learn, and failure as a personal choice that all too often students make.  Why are we afraid to acknowledge that piece of learning game?  All I know is that excellent teachers know their students so well, that they can monitor instantaneously what they need and when they need it.  Great teachers feed our spirit and our soul.  Like a delicious meal, they make us want to savor every bite and come back for seconds.