"With a conscience" - "Marriage-The Final Frontier"

Marriage- "The final frontier"

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it." - John Steinbeck

Statistics are showing that fewer and fewer heterosexual couples are choosing marriage these days.  I find this interesting because I have found the last nine years of my committed relationship to be anything but boring. How did I manage to "buck the trend?" It's like getting a tattoo.  Years ago they were unusual and not the trend.  Now everyone has them so where's the individuality? Was getting married suddenly "trendy?"

Since I met my husband, July 11, 2003, we have pretty much gone against the norm in just about all of those typical expectations you see in many marriages. My husband appeared when I least expected it.  That's what happens when you see your world through the lens of a resolutely single person.  

It started with a place I'd never go in a million years.  A singles dance.  It continued to a beach in Jamaica and upon our return we had a huge party on our 12 acres with the best family and friends anyone could hope for in this world. I know we didn't do things the "conventional way" but when you're in your 40's, you really don't need to play by the old rules.  Marriage is the oldest rule in the book.  We both said our vows privately, on a beach, with the sun-setting.  Privacy between a couple is paramount. I learned that the hard way. It is the single most important lesson I learned in my marriage.

All of sudden, what was "mine" was not just "mine" anymore.  I had to share.  I had to share my space, my time, my family, my friends, everything. There was and still is, a constant need to "negotiate" from who fills the toilet paper in the bathroom to cooking, and the countless other responsibilities that no one ever thinks about when they fall in love.  The negotiating is endless and yes, sometimes, exhausting.   There was someone challenging many of the decisions I was making and needed to make.  There was someone in my life who dramatically cared about my health and well-being.  At first, I felt over-whelmed and burdened by all of the attention.  That's what happens when you're independent.  Now someone wanted me to depend on him and I had a hard time doing that at first.  I didn't want to depend on anyone.  Now, someone was asking me to do the unthinkable.  This is a warning.  You'd be extremely surprised at what you'll do when you fall in love.  

Marriage is not for the weak of heart. It's not for the stubborn either.  Sometimes it's fabulous, bold, if not life-affirming. Other times, it's gut-wrenching, incredibly scary and uncertain.  What do you in those times?  We all know about the non-negotiable situations or at least we should.  BUT, in the normal day to day muck and mire where most marriages can find themselves, what do we do?  Nine years has taught me that love isn't poetry, song or cards; it's  communication.  Although I am always in need of romance, communication overrules all of it.  My husband and I are still learning how to improve our communication. The important thing is we want to improve.  It's a process and not a perfect one either.

Talk, argue, negotiate but never in front of family or friends.  Let some things go. Turn a deaf ear unless you feel strongly about a specific situation.  Then wait until you're in a neutral zone to explain your side. Negotiating should never be done at bed time and by all means, when something important has to be discussed turn the television and all electronic devices off.  Stop everything and listen. Look into your partner's eyes. By the way, you can go to bed angry.  Just don't go to bed resentful.  If you are getting resentful, that's a danger.  Figure out how to turn that around and quickly.  The build up of resentment is how most marriages fail or end up unhappy.  Life's too short and too precious.

I thought I married my best friend.  But really, I married the one man who ended up being my "mirror" and I his.  

One of my husband's favorite things to do is plant things and make them grow.  He's a naturalist.  That's where he is completely and totally his happiest.  As it turns it out, he took "this little seedling" and made it grow too.  The fertilizer was, understanding, stubbornness, honesty, courage, tears...That's a marriage and although there are never any guarantees in this crazy, ridiculously unbalanced world we live in, my roots have finally been planted in reality.  That is an anniversary gift that's hard to come by and even harder to forget.